Broyfriends
by emimix3
Summary: "Getting lost" often causes weird issues, when you wake up in the morning. In a totally bro-way, of course.


Okay. So, basically, I was revising my geology/biology (did you know that there were awesome parts of the oceanic crust in the Alps ? Like the Chenaillet massif, with its peridotits, gabbros and basalts) and then... for no reason, things some persons (I won't say any names thought, because of reasons such as GIGN or KGB) said popped up in my mind. Thoses things can be quickly summed up in: "PRUBAAAA".  
So, I couldn't get it out of my mind. And I spend my afternoon writting Pruba.  
(And I mean... I can't write more than 1500 words/day in French, and even if you need less words to say the same thing in English I wrote 2600... The fuck is wrong...)

Anyway, I was really happy to be able to use Gilbert for comic relief again, it was a long time since the last time... And that's stupid, but I can't see Prussia and Cuba in a relationship, but I also can't can't see them. So...

Anyway, this text isn't checked yet, point my mistakes if you can ! (And you can. Seeing the number there are, you totally can. I remember you I'm not native in English...) (BTW, Justine is the name I use for Belgium. And I wrote all of this with [Coming Out-Les Fatals Picards] as background music.)

* * *

"I can't stand it anymoar!"  
"Gilbert, shut the fuck up, everyone is looking at us."  
"But I'm so, so, so sad Lutz!"

Ludwig sighed, taking a long gulp of his beer. Really, it was the last time he went out drinking with his brother. Well, he didn't go out drinking with this brother that often to begin with, only when he had no one else…

"Were are Francis and Antonio?" the blond sighed.  
"That's the problem!" the albino lamented. "They went out in a double-date! Francis with Arthur, and Antonio with Lovino and Justine! And I couldn't come because I'm single!"

Oh no, not this rant _again._

"So I asked 'Hey Tonio, you have two, so you could share!' and he told me to got lost… I'm so pathetic, because Franny is in a libertine couple so he can still fuck who the hell he wants and Tonio is in a ménage à trois and I can't even get _one _girl…"  
"Sure sure" Ludwig said, tired of always having to listen to his brother complaining about it.  
"Even you and your stick up in the ass managed to find someone!"

Ludwig jolted, spilling some beer on the counter. Even if he was basically panicking like a pig on his way toward the slaughterhouse, he managed to utter, as red as a tomato:

"N-No! Feliciano and I aren't in-"  
"Er… Actually I was talking about this girl, you know, the one you were talking to when I went pick you up at school last week, but if you say tha-"  
"No, no, but I wasn't implying that you implied that Feliciano and I were… I mean, I thought that you knew- I mean, you… Well, shut up. I am not in love with him or anything."  
"Oh, my little baby bro, even you abandon me?" Gilbert said, poking his brother's red cheek. "But you know, now that you're sixteen I can tell you some a few secrets. For example, when you're around someone and you have like little butterflies in the stomach, or the ding-a-ling all hard, that means that you're in love…"  
"Go get lost." Ludwig groaned, finishing his beer.

Gilbert chuckled, and came back to his own. Beer wasn't strong enough for his despair. He ordered a few shooters to the bartender, decided to follow Antonio's and his brother's words and to really get lost this night.

"At least, I'm not the only one all by myself, I'm sure the sissy-boy is still as virgin as Mother Teresa." The albino said, playing with one of his shooters.  
"Who, Roderich? He's getting married with your crush in two months."

Gilbert guzzled down three shooters at one go, before asking:

"What?"  
"Roderich. Is marrying. Elizaveta. In two months." Ludwig replied, articulating all the words.  
"My god, even the pansy managed to hook up with a bombshell! I'll never have anyone and I'll die alone, eat by bugs and they'll throw my corpse in a communal grave!" Gilbert panicked. "And, by the way, Elizaveta isn't my crush anymore." he added, totally calm.  
"Oh? And since when?"  
"Since the day when she almost ripped my balls apart just because I was looking in the girl's locker room. All the tiniest feelings you could have for a girl disappear suddenly when she try to castrate you. You will understand when you'll be older. Well, actually you won't, seeing that you rather screw a certain Ita-"  
"Oh God, can't you just drown yourself in your tequila for fuck's sake?" Ludwig shouted.

Gilbert turned a shooter between his fingers, focused on the liquid inside.

"It's vodka-Red Bull you asshole. You see, the alcohol you drink will change the girls you'll get. I want a woman looking a bit like me, an Eastern European, blond, and with big tits, even fake ones, tall and thin, nicely dressed and undressed and hot. The girl I would look like if I had a vagina. So, I drink vodka-Red Bull. QED." The albino explained.  
"'Course, 'course, but you know, I really doubt of your dating tips, do I have to remember you why you're here?" Ludwig sighed, getting up. "Anyway, I'll let you trying in vain to get lucky. I have classes tomorrow, I go back home now."  
"Oh, man, the fun has not even begun yet! Stay stay stay!" Gilbert cried, trying to keep his brother with him with his arms around his waist. "You're going to have awesome buttsex with your Italian and make me loads and loads of nephews and nieces?"

Ludwig didn't reply, and freed himself of his brother's grip. He hit his head, just because, and then left the bar, totally irritated. Gilbert looked at the door a few seconds, before saying:

"Hey! Serve me another vodka!"

* * *

Oh God it _hurts…_

Gilbert groaned, not even able to open his eyes. He put his hand under the bed, looking for the bottle of water he always kept here.

After a few sips, he felt a little better. (But next time, he'll had to think to drink _before _going to sleep…). He looked at the alarm clock. The red digits said it was almost eleven A.M.; Ludwig had already left for school. So, he could hang out in underwear if he wanted to… Sweet.

He found a pair of boxers on the floor that he slipped on quickly. Now, he needed some aspirin, before going back to bed.

Gilbert loved living by himself in his flat. He could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and he didn't have to put up with his parents. Well, the only flaw in all this paradise was that he didn't exactly lived by himself. His parents said: "Okay, find a flat, but take Ludwig with you. It'll be closer to his school, and it's out of question that you stay alone for more than two hours, we know you." (Tch, like if he was some sort of a retard. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but still. He was able to make his bed and almost never burn his clothes when he ironed them now.)

So, considering that he lived alone (+ his brother) and that the said brother was currently at school, it was somewhat weird to heard someone humming in the kitchen.

The few neurons already able to make connections got in overheat. A) there was a robber who entered the flat, and he felt so guilty to steal the old Sega that he prepared a cake to be forgiven. B) he got laid last night, and the girl actually stayed the night and he fucked her so well that she cooked breakfast to thank him. C) Obi-Wan Kenobi. D) The answer D.

But Obi-Wan was dead and Ludwig wouldn't let the door open, so… he got laid. And the girl stayed. (Not that he never got laid, but the girls tended to clear off in the morning and he never heard of them again.)

With a mischievous grin on the face, Gilbert tiptoed toward the kitchen, already dribbling to the thought of the blond hottie he brought home and her big tits.

In all honestly, he hadn't thought about _this_. _This _referring to the overweight Latino in boxers looking at him with terror.

"Ah! The fuck are you?" Gilbert shouted.  
"The fuck are _you_?"the Latino replied.  
"How do you even enter in my apartment?"  
"What? The girl with who I came back last night let me in!"

Gilbert slowly rubbed his eyes, scared to understand.

"There is no girl in this flat."  
"There is no girl in…? W-Wait. That means that I…"  
"By everything that's holy, tell be that you fucked someone _blond._"

The man didn't reply, and sat on one of the chairs, the head in the arms.

"Don't remember, I was too drunk. Just remember I thought: 'This one with the tequila seems so hot, I like girls with tequila'"  
"Oh fuck… Why did I take some tequila? I should have been totally drunk! And what the hell where you doing in the kitchen?"  
"I prepared breakfast! Because, awesome sex –I guess it was awesome, I don't remember- goes with awesome breakfast!" the man cried.  
"And how the hell didn't you even notice that I was a man when you got up this morning?"  
"In the dark, you're very girly."

Gilbert groan with despair, and sat down on the chair opposite to the man's, a packet of cigarette and a lighter in hand. He usually didn't smoke so early, but today was today and fuck everything.

"My God, and I was so happy to finally find a girl who didn't run off or threw me out in the morning…"  
"Tell me about it… Wait, you got threw out?"  
"Well, not exactly, but, you know, the 'Sorry, you have to go like in… right now, because of reasons'"  
"I know that feeling, bro." Gilbert said, reaching out his arm for a brofist.

The Latino brofisted him, clicking his tongue. Then, he looked at his hand, before saying:

"That was weird."  
"And why?" Gilbert asked, offering him a cigarette.  
"We fucked each other and now we do brofists."

Gilbert held his head, groaning.

"Don't talk about it, okay? We're just two bros. With the same issue with women. And we never had sex with each other."  
"Don't talk about women…"

Both of them sighed, and Gilbert peeped at the other, uttering:

"It's an agreement. We're two bros. In a totally non-sexual way."  
"Exactly. A non-homosexual way. Anyway, you're not exactly my type… I mean, I don't exactly find sexy shrinky albinos _men _in any way hot."  
"You really think you're my type? I love blond Eastern Europeans with big boobs and wasp-waisted."

He looked at the Latino a few seconds, and said:

"At least, you have the boobs."  
"Shut up."  
"You even have more than my ex."  
"Get lost."

Gilbert smiled, and replied:

"Well well well, you're right, instead of pulling on each other's leg, we should stick together, and help each other to overcome the stupidity of the womankind who don't understand our awesomeness."  
"Yes genius, and how do you do that?"  
"I don't know, but we'll find, okay?"

He Latino sighed, finishing his cigarette. They weren't out of the woods yet.

"And we agree to say that yesterday night was only because we were both depressed, and in urge need of sex, and nothing else will ever happen. Okay?" Gilbert asked.  
"Exactly. We're both looking for a relationship, and we're bros. Nothing else" the Latino asked.  
"Nice to see that we're on the same wavelength."

The albino scratched his chin a few moments, and suggested:

"Yes, you know what, bro? I have an idea."  
"Go ahead, bro. Enlighten me."  
"We're both looking for a relationship. Me to go in triple-dates with my friends, and you because of reasons. So…"  
"So?"  
"Let's be in a relationship together! And bim! No need of ungrateful women, we'll have each other! And," he add as he saw his vis-à-vis open his mouth, "We'll do it… in a totally bro-way!"

The Latino seemed to think a few seconds, before asking:

"I see what you do here. But there is a problem. We can't have sex. People will think we're gay. But if we're in a relationship, we have to have sex."  
"No problem. We'll have sex…. But in a non-sexual-way!"

The Latino was flabbergasted. That was the most awesome idea ever. But not 'ever' as in 'never', no, 'ever' as in 'freaking ever, man'.

"So it's settled. We're now boyfriend and shrinky-boyfriend."  
"Say one more time that I'm skinny and I'll rip your balls apart." Gilbert threatened.  
"A girl tried to do it to me once." The other shivered.  
"You see bro? I said it. We were mean to meet."

The dark-haired man nodded, before he rectified:

"No. Now we're not only bros. We're boyfriends."  
"So… We're broyfriends." the albino suggested.  
"Exactly. And broyfriends do what boyfriends do, but in a total bro-and-not-sexual-way."

Gilbert sat up and got closer to the other, sitting on the chair next to him.

"So, if we're broyfriends… we have to, er… Kiss. In a totally non-sexual way, uh? Just, because that's what boyfriends do. But we're not attracted to each other, or whatever. Just, bro-mode."  
"Yes, that's that. Bro-mode."

Gilbert hesitantly took the tan head of his vis-à-vis in his hands, and the other put shyly his hands of the albino's shoulders, not sure of what to do. Their heads grew closers by jolts, and they hit their noses at least three times before they manage to reach the other's lips. They stayed like that, a few seconds, before one of them decided to make a small move. Fifteen seconds later, they were rolling on the floor in a heavy make-out session. Gilbert eventually managed to utter something, between two kisses:

"And, by the way… What is your name?"

* * *

"And that, kids, it's how I met your father."  
"Shut up, Gilbert. It's the fourth time you tell this stupid story, and this time is not different to the others about the fact that I'm _not _your kid but your _brother_, and I freaking _know _this story since the very night you first hook up because the walls are even thiner than you."

The albino made a little "gnagnagna" to mock the blond, then rather turned toward the little brunet sat next to his brother.

"Feliciano didn't hear the story yet. It is maybe because you never let him enter this flat before. Ludwig, are you ashamed of Pascual? In two months, you should have learned to know him well. Or maybe you're ashamed of me? Well, the word wouldn't be 'ashamed', but rather, you were scared that if your little boyfriend over here'd meet me, he'd fall instantaneously in love with me? I understand you. Or, maybe, more likely, I don't want to fuck the things up between you, but you're ashamed of him?"  
"Get fucking lost" Ludwig articulate clearly. "And Feliciano and I are not a… Couple."

Feliciano, next to him, chuckled, and turned his attention toward the albino:

"It's a lovely story. I like how none of you just accept their feelings and you kept saying it was something you do between bros."  
"Feelings? Which feelings?" Gilbert asked as he coughed, as red as a tomato. "We're totally broyfriends. Nothing else."  
"Your story sweats the sexual tension, Gilbert" Ludwig sighed.  
"Yeah, why none of you just accepted to say that he was totally attracted by the pretty little ass of the other?" the Italian asked. "And, bros don't have sex. Since I go out with Ludwig, we're not bros anymore."

The blond burst his hand on his face, and grumbled:

"Feliciano, what is the word you didn't understand in 'I introduce you to my brother if you shut the hell up about our relationship'?"  
"Oh, Luddy, no need to be that shy…"

Gilbert didn't even paid attention to them anymore, and rather got up and headed toward his bedroom, where the Latino was, doing something on the computer.

"Hey, Pascual…"

The other turned toward him, surprised to see his broyfriend this serious.

"Do we love each other?"

The Latino seemed to think a few seconds, before replying:

"Yes. Yes we do. We love each other… But in a bro-way."  
"Exactly! That's what I said!" Gilbert happily shouted. "We're in love… In a bro-way!"  
"Totally! Love at first sight… But between bros!" Pascual replied, reaching his arm for a brofist.

Gilbert happily hit his fist against the other's, before throwing himself on his laps.

"And to celebrate that, let's have sex… in a totally non-sexual way!" the albino suggest.  
"Exactly. You took the words right out of my mouth!"  
"And I won't content myself only with words, if you know what I mean. You won't be able to walk tomorrow." Gilbert sensually said.  
"Oh god. You're the best broyfriend ever."


End file.
